Residential

So I got out of the hospital/inpatient yesterday now I'm at a residential place so having a blast woahhh. It really isn't that bad :) I'm trying to adjust to all the freedoms. But I'm living one day at time.

Treatment

So I'm going tomorrow!

I went today, and they told me to go home and pack so here goes nothing. Hopefully will sleep tonight. Maybe?

Wish me luck.

Miss you guys. :(

My Future/Treatment.

Well I'm sorry I haven't been around for such a loonnngg time.

I have been at summer camp, well working there. Let's just say it was way to stressfull because I am HOME. Wonderful really.

Basically my eating disorder is out of control.

And today I am calling for my intake evaluation. Looking forward to it so much. Mostly just freaking out. I'm not ready but I am. I need this. And actually want to get put inpatient. Which may seem really silly but I need it so badly. I am ready for this.

I will update you all on what happens... Hopefully I will call at 9. So after that my future should maybe have a direction. I am not really all that sure.

Feelings

I feel fat.

No I don't let's get REAL.

What do I really feel? This is often very hard for me to grasp but it's defiantly a big part of my life right now.

Lately I have been using the I feel fat, I feel ugly excuse...and I know that's not right. What am I feeling right now, hahaha. I am feeling way to much. I am feeling physical pain. I am feeling fear, sadness, and grief. Also anger.

It is so hard for me to actually feel the feelings. I have been using the excuse of being fat and ugly. But there is so much more. I wish I could feel. It's something that I long for. But truthfully I think feeling fat is so much easier for me to deal with. I am ready to challenge myself.

Little Me

(I am the one on the left :))

Dear Little Me,

Be strong :) You are about 7 now and going through hell and back. I am so sorry no one will listen to you. But trust me YOU will get through this! Look 19 year old you is writing this to you. Do not let others tell you, you are ugly. You are beautiful inside and out. Yes I said out. And you will bloom :) And change. Now that you are going to be one heck of a great girl!

Love always,
19 year-old me!

Crimes

I honestly have been lucky enough to not have a doctor that has mistreated me or even who I have disliked. I am so grateful for all my doctors :) And am truly sorry for all the people that have not had good experiences like mine.

Role Models

This truly makes me smile :)

I lucky enough to have a few role models.

My first would be my friend Nabid. Nabid and I met not to long ago actually, but if you saw us hanging out you would honestly think we have been friends forever. She has been there for me though my life's ups and downs. And she NEVER says she's to busy to help me :) I have never had someone do that for me it's pretty impressive if I do say so myself. I am truly thankful and ever grateful for her coming in to my life!

Another one of my role models is my therapist...I know it's probably breaking boundaries but I truly think she has made a positive impact on my life. Rita has been there for me. Even thought it's her job you can honestly tell that she cares. She would be there for no matter what, and I am ever grateful :)
She has inspired me to become a therapist and I will never forget her!!!