Growth,
when I say that I’m sure what most of you think is physical change. But it is a
lot more than that it is emotional, social, and spiritual. Sometimes growing is
not easy, it takes time and trial and error. And it certainly does not occur
all at the same time, it is a process. Think about it we are not the same
person as we were when we were 5, nor or we the same people as when we stepped
in to the doors of * for that very first time. Parts of us are the same
but there are differences too.
Like I
said growth is quite a process, for me it has not been easy in any sense of the
word. Although I have had people in my
life that have helped me grow I have also had people and situations that
stunted my growth. But I’ll get back to that later.
I was raised
in faith neutral household neither of my parents are religious, however since
the public schools in my neighborhood were not safe I was put into Catholic
school system.
When I
was 4 my parents divorced, then when I was 5 ½ my mom brought her boyfriend
into to our home. This man was very
scary and not very nice. Soon after he moved in he started to become very
abusive; the abuse being both physical and sexual. I would pray like the my
school had taught me, every night I would say the same prayer to God so that I
would be better and not get in trouble any more. And nothing was changing; in
fact it almost seemed to get worse. I was living my life in a complete way of
fear and anxiety. At this very young age I started to doubt God. I was unsure of why He wanted this to happen
to me, or why I was bad. My growth was stunted, the abuse would not end till I
was 11 and he was finally out of the house.
But like I said growth takes time.
In 8th
grade I was getting ready to make my conformation and met a boy. This boy was
one of the first people I loved, I trusted him. But he like my step-father also
started to abuse me; I was so confused. At moments when the threats and name
calling where there worse, I began to believe that I had a invisible tattoo
that only others could see that said the words abuse me on it. I started to
question God and even if I wanted to be confirmed. Something in me however
still wanted to make the decision to say yes to God, I then picked my sponsor
my mom’s new boyfriend’s sister Mary. Mary was the one that started to help me
grow. She saw the light inside me, that I was a beautiful and an intelligent
girl even though people have told me and showed me otherwise. Mary would take
me out for lunch and we would talk about life. Mary was one of the first people
I was able to put my trust into. I was growing. Now I was not finished growing
by any means I still had a lot of growing to do.
Going
into high school I was really ready to start a new leaf. I was ready to meet new people and experience
new things. Don’t get me wrong I meant many new people and had a lot of good
experiences but also, in high school all my problems that I have hidden started
to come out. Not only did I have all my memories to deal with but my abusive
ex-boyfriend somehow started to go to the same high school as myself. Also I
but God into the backseat, the faith that I had worked so hard on seemed to be
totally absent. Like I said things started to come out the stress of my early
childhood would start to come out. I couldn’t possibly keep things hided
anymore…
One way
that really let me release my intense stress of my past was through cutting.
Even if it was not the best coping mechanism it helped. However the school quickly found out what I was
doing and I was put into counseling. Counseling would change my life. However
the first 3 years I didn’t take it seriously. I honestly didn’t care cutting
was my life it revolved around everything and everyone! I lost many
relationships and a lot of trust. However things would change for me when on my
high schools Kairos retreat.
Kairos
helped me so much; I made friends and was able to be honest with people. I also
had much alone time where I really learned how to talk to God. I was growing. I
think I grew so much during that week of retreat. I remember talking to my Dad
on the phone telling him he wouldn’t recognize his little girl. Even though I
grew a lot that weekend I wasn’t and am still not finished growing. After the
retreat and the ki-high wore off I started to attended morning masses and felt
a great deal of strength in my faith. Also in my junior year of high school I
meant someone that would change my life forever; my best friend, Amanda. Amanda
and I meant through a mutual friend. Amanda like me had many problems growing
up, she also used unhealthy coping mechanisms. She and I clicked as soon as met;
I had trust for her right of the bat. She also trusted me, which gave me the
confidence that I was worthy to have someone to put my trust into and vise
versa. Like I said before Amanda also had some issues of her own, and quickly
started to ask for my advice and options. I was happy to help her; this is when
I was in a way called into the helping profession. If I could help a friend, I
could help anyone. Amanda lifted my
confidence; she showed me there was more to life in a weird kind of sense.
Things
where finally seeming to work themselves out, something that I questioned so
often was put into a clear picture. God really doesn’t give you more than you
can handle. That little quote is
something that I remind myself of everyday, because even when I feel like
giving up. I know for a fact of the matter that there is something positive
that will come from the negative experience.
Getting back to the story the next year flew by. And it was time to pick
a college. My decision was made and off to * I went.
Coming
to * was an easy transition; I am a very independent person. However, I
realized at that moment sometimes being independent isn’t such a great quality
as I said I saw a therapist back home. I was on my own. I let things start
spinning out of control. I started to tumble in classes and teachers started to
worry about me, I then started talking Lorie at the counseling center and
things changed for me. At that moment I realized that I needed to work on
things, my past. As painful and difficult it is to get through, the more you
work on it the farther you come, and chances are there will be something that
you can get out of it that is positive and will increase your growth in a way. I was still active in the Church and was
actually attending mass almost every Sunday. However soon after Antioch in the
Fall, my questioning of God started. Now this was not a stunt in my growth or
even a fall back because part of growing is the ability to question God. Even
having a good support person and a loving relationship with God, there was
still something missing. I was missing
friends. Like I said before it is hard for me to trust, so in turn making and
keeping friendships is a difficult area for me; I tried talking to people I
really did. However coming back after Christmas break, I felt so alone. I would
literally sit in my room for hours on end, I felt like an outcast. I knew
something needed to be done about this, I needed someone to talk and more
importantly laugh with and just have a good time J I started to break out of my shell
in a way. I started to realize that trusting people isn’t so bad. Good people
are out there. This is another area that I really grew in the past couple years
of my life but I really blossomed even in the past couple of months. Having
good relationships has helped me so much. My friends show me that I am a good
person, a person that is worthy of respect and dignity. Not only that but so
much more and I do really appreciate my new found friendships!
Also
during Christmas break something came up when I was back seeing my old
therapist something I never really even talked about or even talk about to this
day…eating. I know I have always had problems with it ever since I was little,
it could have something to do with the abuse I don’t know I am still trying to
figure it out. But it is a real issue. In
all honesty it truly is like an addiction just like the cutting. My eating disorder
sometimes controls me. But I am in recovery. Each day is a new day. I have the
opportunity each and every day to turn the page although sometimes it is still
very hard and I feel like giving into behaviors. Something that I have found
very helpful in my recovery so far is the serenity prayer, even though I
question God sometimes the meaning in it is so powerful and true and I would
like to share it with you: “Through me efforts, I gain the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the
wisdom to know the difference.”
To be
honest, I do still have room to grow. And when I mean grow, I don’t think I’m
going to get taller, but I do and can grow spiritually by finding answers to
who God is to be, and just generally questioning him, emotionally by reaching
out to people and making, and strengthing friendships, and lastly mentally by
taking care of myself, and working on positive coping strategies to RECOVER. This right here is where I am today. And that
is perfectly and 110 percent okay.
Everyday I’m growing to be a better person and to be a better
Christian. And in part of the growing
process I realized that growing is not an overnight process. It takes time, it
takes the idea and understanding that the process might not be what I want,
when I want it or even how I want. But that’s okay, because I have people and
God watching and helping me through my journey, of life!
