Residential

So I got out of the hospital/inpatient yesterday now I'm at a residential place so having a blast woahhh. It really isn't that bad :) I'm trying to adjust to all the freedoms. But I'm living one day at time.

Treatment

So I'm going tomorrow!

I went today, and they told me to go home and pack so here goes nothing. Hopefully will sleep tonight. Maybe?

Wish me luck.

Miss you guys. :(

My Future/Treatment.

Well I'm sorry I haven't been around for such a loonnngg time.

I have been at summer camp, well working there. Let's just say it was way to stressfull because I am HOME. Wonderful really.

Basically my eating disorder is out of control.

And today I am calling for my intake evaluation. Looking forward to it so much. Mostly just freaking out. I'm not ready but I am. I need this. And actually want to get put inpatient. Which may seem really silly but I need it so badly. I am ready for this.

I will update you all on what happens... Hopefully I will call at 9. So after that my future should maybe have a direction. I am not really all that sure.

Feelings

I feel fat.

No I don't let's get REAL.

What do I really feel? This is often very hard for me to grasp but it's defiantly a big part of my life right now.

Lately I have been using the I feel fat, I feel ugly excuse...and I know that's not right. What am I feeling right now, hahaha. I am feeling way to much. I am feeling physical pain. I am feeling fear, sadness, and grief. Also anger.

It is so hard for me to actually feel the feelings. I have been using the excuse of being fat and ugly. But there is so much more. I wish I could feel. It's something that I long for. But truthfully I think feeling fat is so much easier for me to deal with. I am ready to challenge myself.

Little Me

(I am the one on the left :))

Dear Little Me,

Be strong :) You are about 7 now and going through hell and back. I am so sorry no one will listen to you. But trust me YOU will get through this! Look 19 year old you is writing this to you. Do not let others tell you, you are ugly. You are beautiful inside and out. Yes I said out. And you will bloom :) And change. Now that you are going to be one heck of a great girl!

Love always,
19 year-old me!

Crimes

I honestly have been lucky enough to not have a doctor that has mistreated me or even who I have disliked. I am so grateful for all my doctors :) And am truly sorry for all the people that have not had good experiences like mine.

Role Models

This truly makes me smile :)

I lucky enough to have a few role models.

My first would be my friend Nabid. Nabid and I met not to long ago actually, but if you saw us hanging out you would honestly think we have been friends forever. She has been there for me though my life's ups and downs. And she NEVER says she's to busy to help me :) I have never had someone do that for me it's pretty impressive if I do say so myself. I am truly thankful and ever grateful for her coming in to my life!

Another one of my role models is my therapist...I know it's probably breaking boundaries but I truly think she has made a positive impact on my life. Rita has been there for me. Even thought it's her job you can honestly tell that she cares. She would be there for no matter what, and I am ever grateful :)
She has inspired me to become a therapist and I will never forget her!!!

Freestyle aka Update on Me...

So as you can tell I'm late on days again...

The 12th's topic was freestyle, so I figured it would be a good time to explain what's been happening in the life of Megan.

I went to my therapist on Monday, and she is very worried about me :( I know she should be but I don't deserve like I should be taken care of. I guess it's just all kind of bounded me together. I have been feeling every emotion I have ever felt and 50 more, from angry to happy to sad to anxious. It's really frustrating. I also have been feeling completely indeed of my addictions. My cutting has gotten pretty bad back in to my old habits and my eating disordered behaviors have been on the rise.

My therapist wants me to go to the hospital, I really don't want to go because I "think" I can handle it. I know deep down I need more help, but I feel like such a failure for EVERYTHING.

Hopefully things will start looking up for me, I need things to start looking up...really really really bad.

Dear...

Dear everyone in my life,
I want you to understand that my life in NO way has been easy. And when one thing is dealt with something new starts. And the fact that I developed an eating disorder was in no way a choice...I can completely say that there is no way any one can want an eating disorder. It has made my life turn upside down. I have lost relationships and trust. I want those back more than everything but I also want my eating disorder too. It is such a confusing journey that I am on. But I know for a fact that this will make me a better person in the long run. It, my eating disorder is another way of showing me and everyone else in my life how strong I truly am :)

10 Words

Sorry again for not being "up to date". I have been really busy, I and am officially DONE with my first year of university :) WOW...

5 Words to Describe my Eating Disorder

Roller Coaster-Although roller coasters are fun this is like the one I got stuck on...not a good experience. To be honest I feel very stuck at this point in my journey. I know how ever it will be able to stop at some point.

Fear-I am always in fear! Why do I do that? I shouldn't have to be afraid all the time of myself. Right? I think so...

Loneliness-Not that I do not have support, I am lonely. And I shouldn't be...This is what my crazy eating disorder does to me.

Pointless-As much as I "need" this. At certain points it is truly pointless. I can solve my problems in other ways, and I should be looking toward that way!

Tight-It holds me. No matter how much I try to get out of my eating disordered mind. It holds on to me with this ridiculously tight grip. Which really scares me.

5 Words to Describe my RECOVERY :)

Hopeful-As depressed and as much desperation my eating disorder causes me, I do have hope. And hope can never be taken away from me. I can do this! I will find my way out of this :) I am hopeful.

Brave-I have had many, and I mean many downfalls in my life. But I have been brave. So bravery, especially in my recovery means so so much. To be brave means to be able to push beyond what I think I can do because I KNOW I can do more.

Resilient-Like the bravery, I have been very resilient. Every time something or someone knocks me down.I get back on my two feet very quickly. It is important for me to be resilient because it's always going to be there inside of me:)

Tough-This kind of goes along with being brave but I make tough as that I don't let things get in my way from recovery. No one but me has the power to stop my ED.

Faith-Faith, has always been important but...it's also very confusing. My faith has defiantly been way up and then way down over the past couple of years. But that's okay because it's still strong and that's what gets me through some of my darkest days

Life Update

Well I know I have been blogging more...

But not really about me personally.

Things have defiantly been an the downside of things. Like I posted on April 7th I was sexually assaulted. I have been struggling a lot. This whole thing has brought up memories of past stuff, that I would have liked to kept in the past, but no. Another part of me is still in shock. My emotions wouldn't let go. I feel my eyes constantly welling up with tears but then nothing happens. It's not fair.

My behaviors have been through the roof awful.
Between having urges to cut. To really bad restricting. And the fact that I gag almost every time I try and actually want to eat. It's very difficult.

I have also been in a lot of pain down there. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor at my school so hopefully they will be able to find me some relief.

I really need something to be better.

I am Different!

I think difference means; letting yourself actually be yourself. Sure that might sound like a bunch of bs. But it's so true.

I can't even began to imagine a world of same people. How boring would that be. We all look, talk, walk, think the same way...I don't know about you but when I think about that I think about robots. And frankly I am not a robot. We are different for a reason.

I know it's hard to show are differences because we often think of them as "bad" things. We may have those but they make us unique.

Every since I was really little, people would ask me to describe myself and one thing I would always say is that I am unique. I remember being praised whenever I said it. At the time I just thought I was saying something other people didn't know about. But know I truly agree with my child self.

I am unique, I am different.

And though sometimes I don't like my differences I need to embrace them  because without them I would not be me!

I am different and unique and PROUD :)

Puppies

I think this might be a little silly. But for me puppies keep me going. They need you and remind me that I am needed. For me sometimes I forget that. And I'm sure it's true for a lot of people too...

Puppies always love you :) They don't judge. They follow you like you are the most important person no matter what! They don't talk back. They understand when your upset, they listen! And they are always in the mood to cuddle.

I know that is defiantly not even close to a thousand words but that's okay :)

Forgotten Brothers

I could not imagine the struggles of men ED.
To be quite honest I was a little confused by this writing challenge at 1st because it is truly a challenge, to think about things through another person's perspective especially another gender's perspective. 
My guess is that it would be difficult. Finding support from friends would probably be extremely difficult, because men suffering from anorexia is not the "in" thing. I'm guessing it would also be very difficult to get the support of your parents. I mean that is a struggle most, at least I even struggled with but still.

Letter to my T

Dear Rita (My therapist),
I need you to be honest with me. I also want you to push me, but also to take it easy on me when you know I am struggling. But mostly I just need a cheerleader someone to let me know I can get through my hardest days and darkest days. Thank you for always helping me :)

Love,
Megan

Catching Up.

So I'm kind of majorly slacking, I will try to keep more up with this. Things have just been stressful and very busy the last few days
.
Hum, This one is a little difficult :/ I think if I had to create a mascot it would be a journal. I'm sure this is strange me giving characteristics to something that is suppose to not have any...It's always there for me on my good days and bad days. It shows me how far I came from. I think my journal is a dam pretty good mascot :)

Another difficult one really...

Humm.

1st my Eating Disorder Slogan: Get ready or not but prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride, and a crash at the bottom.
And

My Recovery Slogan: Simply live life day to day, because you never know what will happen tomorrow and why go back and change the problem?

 Oh gosh...

Even though it doesn't seem like I appreciate my body, I truly do. I love my eyes, everyone compliments them. The way they are radiantly blue, and are truly sparkly. What else, I love that I have a naturally small waist. Something that I like is my feet they are a great size 8 and I love that they proportional (just a little OCD) :). Other than that I love my nose, it's a great shape know all I need is it to be pierced and I would be happy!

Reasons to Fight ED

10. To stay healthy. No food = crappy immune system = colds = :(

9. Having going out to dinner with friends and actually enjoying myself.

8. Not having to worry about counting calories in everything...

7. Fitting in to my favorite clothes.

6. Being comfortable enough to go shopping :)

5. People don't have to worry about you as much.

4. No mean comments. 

3. You don't have to lie...

2. The ability to reach for your goals

1. The realization of seeing how far you have come, and how far you can keep going :)

Why do I Write?

So I decided after seeing that I lacked in April writing blogs that May I will write everyday.

I did not however get this inspiration by myself rather from another blog I read. There is a challenge going on to write about a different topic everyday so I think I am going to start :) Here's to the challenge and writing even when I don't feel like it :P

Before starting to read other people's blogs I felt truly alone. I never had to friends I could really feel comfortable talking to about my eating disorder. So I came to the web and started reading about. So I guess why I actually started to write was because it gives me an outlet for my thoughts and ideas.

No one is going to judge me or at least let's hope not...I can talk about anything on here. And I do enjoy the feedback.

Another reason I write is so that I can look back at the things I do write about and realize what was going on that day and why I did certain things.

One last reason is that I am passionate about writing! I love it and without it I don't know where I would be :)

It

So, I know I haven't written in a long while. It's because a lot has been going on. This  is extremely personal but I am going to share anyway, because I really need some support right now.

Okay, back up 3 weeks.
Something bad happened... I woke up to pain "down there" with blood too. So for about a week I tried to put it in the back of my mind. But it was not really working. I then reached out to my therapist back home who was very concerned. I tried then to talk to my therapist here and she really upset me. I wouldn't go in to full details about what was sad because I just can't handle that right now. Anyways I then decided to call my rape crisis center, I got an apt with a counselor there and we chatted. We decided the next step was to go to the hospital might I say scariest thing ever. I went yesterday. No pregnancy. But something did happen for sure. Now it's the morning after the exam and my brain is going one hundred miles a hour and will not slow down. Pain is overwhelming me right now.

Ugg I just want all of this to be erased... please.

Real Life Friends & Summer

So I have decided to let some of my real life friends start reading my blog :) Hi guys!

I think it is time that they are able to see all sides of me, even the things that aren't so pretty... like the truth of addiction, the dreaded eating disorder. But, that's okay because I'm pretty much myself in the real world to although sometimes I do really hid my issues inside.

Also I think my letting my friends see the real me will help me learn to trust them. Not only that but it will make me more accountable to them. Which is something that I do truly need to work on.

And since I haven't given a full life update here we go:

As I mentioned in my previous post I got a job, which is really exciting. But truthfully it's also very nerve racking. This is because my back home therapists original plan for me this summer was to get me into some kind of treatment program. And with being gone for three months that does not look like it will be happening. This good either me a really good thing, or a really awful thing. Really good meaning that I could really start taking care of me, or on the other hand really bad. I will be by myself more than less. I will have no parents, no friends to "make me eat" (take me with them), and lastly no therapists... Well maybe I can I will have 6 hours off a week so maybe phone therapy or skype will be an option. I don't know how healthy it would be for me to go three whole months with no therapy.

Well I will talk to my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully I made the right decision, that being I can handle myself over the summer, and not need treatment later on. And if not, then honestly I don't know... But, I'm going to think positively here :)

Time Flies

What a week...

Even though it actually went by ridiculously fast, not saying that as a bad thing what so ever!

So I got a job for over the summer and I am absolutely thrilled! I will be working as an Arts and Crafts Leader at a camp for children and adults that have disabilities. I think it is going to be a good opportunity for me all in all.

In another area of my life, I am officially all registered for my sophomore year of college! Eekk. Where did time go? I swear yesterday felt like the very first day of orientation.

Weirdness

Well the weirdest thing happened, I went to the pharmacy the price 5 dollars at first I thought they were joking but seriously only 5 bucks. I can afford that :) Let's just see if it works, it's day 3 and I honestly don't really feel any different...but I'm going to give it at least 2 weeks before I judge it. And I'm super pumped I got a psychiatrist for when I go home! So now I'll almost have a full "team". Less than a month till summer break still in total shock! Eekk... Fingers crossed I have a job interview on Tuesday!

I hate being so Stubborn!

Shut shut shut...

Oh flipping dear, I just got back from my psychiatrist appointment and it went okay but I was curious so I looked up how much my new medication is and let's just say this girl that makes less then 100 dollars a week, is not going to be able to afford co-pays and a 50 dollar medication! So I'm flipping out, I don't want to be embarrassed and call the doctor. So I e-mailed my therapist. Hopefully she will get back to me! God, why can't I just ask my parents to help me and stop being so DARN stubborn! Yikes. Blahh, Blahh., Blahh. This is stressing the heck out of me. Hurry up therapist and get back to me I need you! :(

Easter Break :)

I'm having a seriously amazing week.

My head is recovering beautifully and I do longer have a big bump :P!
I went to go visit my best friend Marci and her university and had a blast (frat party, cute boys, and shopping)!

Then I ended my Easter break with a shopping with my Mom and friend Courtney :) And got so many cute clothes!!! I'll have to pic some pictures of them because I'm in love with my clothes hehehe!

Now I'm going back to school for one month to finish up the semester pretty exciting stuff...then summer vacation!

I just realized I ended every sentence with a exclamation point :) Well tomorrow it will be back to the ol' school routine, besides seeing my therapist appointment... then I'm out of it again with a psychiatrist appointment, and an honor's conference. What a week I'm having!

Concussion

Well did I have a fun weekend! 

Oh in the MUST sarcastic way ever... 

It all started Friday afternoon at the Mines of Spain, it's a walking trail place here where I go to school and well I banged my head on a rock...after a while, around 9ish I went back home/dorm. And my nursing guy friend told me that my pupils looked uneven which is a tattle tail sign of a pretty bad concussion... So of to the hospital I went. I was super nervous but it seriously was not that bad there. As soon as I went in I was seen so it was really nice, I had a really nice nurse and a very cute nursing student :) And the doctor was pretty decent. After both nero exams, I got a lovely CAT scan and the diagnosed with a concussion... I'm still in so much pain and nausated :( Not been physically able to keep much down at all. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow or it's back for the hospital for me...Argg. This such poop.

Growth Talk

So here is my talk for my retreat hope you enjoy:

Growth, when I say that I’m sure what most of you think is physical change. But it is a lot more than that it is emotional, social, and spiritual. Sometimes growing is not easy, it takes time and trial and error. And it certainly does not occur all at the same time, it is a process. Think about it we are not the same person as we were when we were 5, nor or we the same people as when we stepped in to the doors of * for that very first time. Parts of us are the same but there are differences too.

Like I said growth is quite a process, for me it has not been easy in any sense of the word.  Although I have had people in my life that have helped me grow I have also had people and situations that stunted my growth. But I’ll get back to that later.

I was raised in faith neutral household neither of my parents are religious, however since the public schools in my neighborhood were not safe I was put into Catholic school system.  

When I was 4 my parents divorced, then when I was 5 ½ my mom brought her boyfriend into to our home.  This man was very scary and not very nice. Soon after he moved in he started to become very abusive; the abuse being both physical and sexual. I would pray like the my school had taught me, every night I would say the same prayer to God so that I would be better and not get in trouble any more. And nothing was changing; in fact it almost seemed to get worse. I was living my life in a complete way of fear and anxiety. At this very young age I started to doubt God.  I was unsure of why He wanted this to happen to me, or why I was bad. My growth was stunted, the abuse would not end till I was 11 and he was finally out of the house.  But like I said growth takes time.

In 8^th grade I was getting ready to make my conformation and met a boy. This boy was one of the first people I loved, I trusted him. But he like my step-father also started to abuse me; I was so confused. At moments when the threats and name calling where there worse, I began to believe that I had a invisible tattoo that only others could see that said the words abuse me on it. I started to question God and even if I wanted to be confirmed. Something in me however still wanted to make the decision to say yes to God, I then picked my sponsor my mom’s new boyfriend’s sister Mary. Mary was the one that started to help me grow. She saw the light inside me, that I was a beautiful and an intelligent girl even though people have told me and showed me otherwise. Mary would take me out for lunch and we would talk about life. Mary was one of the first people I was able to put my trust into. I was growing. Now I was not finished growing by any means I still had a lot of growing to do.

Going into high school I was really ready to start a new leaf.  I was ready to meet new people and experience new things. Don’t get me wrong I meant many new people and had a lot of good experiences but also, in high school all my problems that I have hidden started to come out. Not only did I have all my memories to deal with but my abusive ex-boyfriend somehow started to go to the same high school as myself. Also I but God into the backseat, the faith that I had worked so hard on seemed to be totally absent. Like I said things started to come out the stress of my early childhood would start to come out. I couldn’t possibly keep things hided anymore…

One way that really let me release my intense stress of my past was through cutting. Even if it was not the best coping mechanism it helped.  However the school quickly found out what I was doing and I was put into counseling. Counseling would change my life. However the first 3 years I didn’t take it seriously. I honestly didn’t care cutting was my life it revolved around everything and everyone! I lost many relationships and a lot of trust. However things would change for me when on my high schools Kairos retreat.

Kairos helped me so much; I made friends and was able to be honest with people. I also had much alone time where I really learned how to talk to God. I was growing. I think I grew so much during that week of retreat. I remember talking to my Dad on the phone telling him he wouldn’t recognize his little girl. Even though I grew a lot that weekend I wasn’t and am still not finished growing. After the retreat and the ki-high wore off I started to attended morning masses and felt a great deal of strength in my faith. Also in my junior year of high school I meant someone that would change my life forever; my best friend, Amanda. Amanda and I meant through a mutual friend. Amanda like me had many problems growing up, she also used unhealthy coping mechanisms. She and I clicked as soon as met; I had trust for her right of the bat. She also trusted me, which gave me the confidence that I was worthy to have someone to put my trust into and vise versa. Like I said before Amanda also had some issues of her own, and quickly started to ask for my advice and options. I was happy to help her; this is when I was in a way called into the helping profession. If I could help a friend, I could help anyone.  Amanda lifted my confidence; she showed me there was more to life in a weird kind of sense.

Things where finally seeming to work themselves out, something that I questioned so often was put into a clear picture. God really doesn’t give you more than you can handle.  That little quote is something that I remind myself of everyday, because even when I feel like giving up. I know for a fact of the matter that there is something positive that will come from the negative experience.  Getting back to the story the next year flew by. And it was time to pick a college. My decision was made and off to * I went.

Coming to * was an easy transition; I am a very independent person. However, I realized at that moment sometimes being independent isn’t such a great quality as I said I saw a therapist back home. I was on my own. I let things start spinning out of control. I started to tumble in classes and teachers started to worry about me, I then started talking Lorie at the counseling center and things changed for me. At that moment I realized that I needed to work on things, my past. As painful and difficult it is to get through, the more you work on it the farther you come, and chances are there will be something that you can get out of it that is positive and will increase your growth in a way.  I was still active in the Church and was actually attending mass almost every Sunday. However soon after Antioch in the Fall, my questioning of God started. Now this was not a stunt in my growth or even a fall back because part of growing is the ability to question God. Even having a good support person and a loving relationship with God, there was still something missing.  I was missing friends. Like I said before it is hard for me to trust, so in turn making and keeping friendships is a difficult area for me; I tried talking to people I really did. However coming back after Christmas break, I felt so alone. I would literally sit in my room for hours on end, I felt like an outcast. I knew something needed to be done about this, I needed someone to talk and more importantly laugh with and just have a good time J I started to break out of my shell in a way. I started to realize that trusting people isn’t so bad. Good people are out there. This is another area that I really grew in the past couple years of my life but I really blossomed even in the past couple of months. Having good relationships has helped me so much. My friends show me that I am a good person, a person that is worthy of respect and dignity. Not only that but so much more and I do really appreciate my new found friendships!

Also during Christmas break something came up when I was back seeing my old therapist something I never really even talked about or even talk about to this day…eating. I know I have always had problems with it ever since I was little, it could have something to do with the abuse I don’t know I am still trying to figure it out. But it is a real issue.  In all honesty it truly is like an addiction just like the cutting. My eating disorder sometimes controls me. But I am in recovery. Each day is a new day. I have the opportunity each and every day to turn the page although sometimes it is still very hard and I feel like giving into behaviors. Something that I have found very helpful in my recovery so far is the serenity prayer, even though I question God sometimes the meaning in it is so powerful and true and I would like to share it with you: “Through me efforts, I gain the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

To be honest, I do still have room to grow. And when I mean grow, I don’t think I’m going to get taller, but I do and can grow spiritually by finding answers to who God is to be, and just generally questioning him, emotionally by reaching out to people and making, and strengthing friendships, and lastly mentally by taking care of myself, and working on positive coping strategies to RECOVER.  This right here is where I am today. And that is perfectly and 110 percent okay.  Everyday I’m growing to be a better person and to be a better Christian.  And in part of the growing process I realized that growing is not an overnight process. It takes time, it takes the idea and understanding that the process might not be what I want, when I want it or even how I want. But that’s okay, because I have people and God watching and helping me through my journey, of life! 

Unhealthy :(

Sorry I have not written in a while, I would say I have been busy but I really haven't been...
I have been sick (physically for just over a week now) and for some reason I am refusing to see a doctor :( So yeah I know that is not smart. I guess I am scared of them bringing something up that just proves how sick I actually am.
I have been seriously thinking about residential as a pretty sure thing this summer...or at least iop but I am still not 100% probably 85%.
I have a MUCH needed therapist appointment on Friday so yeah pretty much looking forward to that, actually.
Then this weekend I have a big retreat. And I get to do a talk. So yeah. I will make a separate blog post with the talk so you all can see :) Please tell me what you think of it!
Well I'm going to bed I'm in much need for some sleep.

Update: I just made an apt! Waiting for the call back...

Laryngitis yayyy!

Sorry for not posting for such a long while!

I have now been back at uni for about 5 days, pretty much back in the swing of thing; except for the lovely cold I got on return to school. For 3 days I felt like death :( Not fun! And yesterday my voice started to crack and today it is officially practically gone. I am a talker this is going to kill me! Rarrwww!

In news of the ED it has gotten worse in the past weekish, being sick is an excuse not to eat because I'm afraid a purge will really screw up the voice and throat even more than it is right now. Ugg. I'm honestly thinking about  residental for sure this summer. It will help, and it will get me out of caotic house.

I am ready for Easter break hahaha...Only 2 weeks away yayy!

Over Thinking

I'm seriously officially blogged obsessed but hey that's a good thing right?

I got to hang out with my best friend Sarah today :) We had such a good time, we always do! I was able to be open with her! She's someone that I will never worry about being judged by, and I thank her for that (Sarah, if your reading this I love ya)!

Just thinking a lot. Sometimes thinking gets be in trouble so I'm trying to "limit" my thinking. I'm thinking about how I want this year to be seeing that i'm 19 now...I want a good year, a year without hurting myself. I have been hurt too much so why do I make the decision to still hurt myself? It's something I'm stuck thinking about. But I don't think I can just get over it either. I know I'm going to end up doing something. But then I think I'm just being negative. Or am I just being realistic? Then if I do something I'm going to feel guilty...Ugg! I NEED to stop thinking, I'm just so confused. My brain hurts. And these meds make me what to cry :( I feel nothing different...I feel worse nightmares, and I'm so hypervigilent. I'm scared to ask for more help. I just want to be okay and healthy!

I want to scream!
And I don't want to go back to school.

Dentist and Therapist (Two FUN days)

Well yesterday I went to my dentist. I got "yelled" at for purging :( My teeth are officially getting the wrath of my eating disorder... What have I done. I mean I guess this is a major reality check! But I'm not ready to get better...This sucks.

Today I saw my therapist from back home, first of I love her I have been seeing her for just over two years and she knows me SO WELL...to a point that is so frighting. I basically updated her on the past 2ish months. She's pretty happy with me other then the eating stuff. Plus she wants me to go see my psychiatrist basically my side effects are not good... so hopefully I can get in soon. And we are setting up my summer vacation...EMDR, and the possibility of residential. YAYY...not really.

But today was good over all. I got to see my aunt that I haven't seen in FOREVER 2 years!!! Long story. But it was so nice to see her :) She calls me her god-daughter :) I love love love her. Well anyway we had lunch and her grand-kids where there so I got to play with them. I love little kids! They make me so happy.

Four more days of vacation then its back to REALITY :( I want to stay home...

Spring Break Part 1

A really good past couple of days, well mostly.

Well I'm back home from break! Spring break for a whole week. Haven't done to terribably much. Monday was my 19th birthday. My mom took me shopping and to get my hair done which was pretty fun, watch my youtube to see it haha. Well I'll take some pictures at my dad's party for me on Saturday. :)

Tomorrow I am seeing my counselor pretty exciting. Hopefully she'll be happy with me!

I'm going to bed, I'll update you more later.

Peace :)

Growth

Well I had seriously one of the best appointments with my therapist today :)

We started the session about breakfast and my failure to eat a "sufficient" one. She really wants me to eat in cafeteria every morning but I don't like breakfast! So I talked back, now this might sound bad but I never ever ever talk back. And we came up with if I'm eating anything it's better than me freaking out that I ate way to much...Plus she was happy that I was standing up for myself in a positive way :) Feeling very confident in myself right now!

Tomorrow I leave to go home since it's spring break!!! Woot woot!!!

All though home is super triggering I am so excited to see my family and puppies!!!

Well have a good weekend if I don't post!
Shopping trip tomorrow with my mom on the way home :)

Today :)

Well if anyone was curious I survived my first psychiatric appointment today! I didn't sleep at all last night I was freaking out but my fears where totally proven all wrong :)
My counselor went with me which was a HUGE relief. She was there to hold my hand literally. We got there really early so we talked for a while before we went in. To my surprise the doctors office was literally in the hospital which i was not expecting...
First I had a intake session which was basically answering about 5 million questions, and vitals. And my counselor was allowed with me. And then the doctor came out...and I was ready to go in with my counselor but was told to go by myself... But he looked friendly so I was ready to take the step.
Basically I came out of the appointment diagnosis of PTSD, mild depression, and bulimia. Which I was suprised about, I mean I shouldn't be but still... I also was put on sertraline. So tomorrow will be the first day!
Hopefully this goes okay! :)

Serendipity!!! :)

Well, although the last couple of weeks have been difficult in every meaning possible. Something good has come out of it. About a month ago, I started to really hang out with some different people who I really haven't talked to before. All of a sudden we are inseparable :) I haven't had relationships like this since I left for college. I was beganing to feel so alone. And then serendipity shows up! Happy accidents are really everywhere. You just have to let things happen when they happen even if things look ugly at first. Something is bound to be good!

In less then 72 hours...

So I'm completely and utterly freaking out about my appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday.  First speaking to a complete stranger about my deepest and darkest thoughts scares me. Secondly, I know the doctor is a guy. I don't to well with males. I don't know what gender the nurse will be I'm praying it will be a girl. If not I may freak out! Luckily my therapist will be joining me but still...And least were getting lunch afterward on positive...

$

I'm officially a broke college kid.

I got a call from the psychiatrist I'm planning on seeing and turns out they don't take my mental health insurance only my health insurance so it's considered out of network aka a lot of freaking... I'm going to go ahead and go because I need this. I think the adult me really is understanding if I do this now it will end up costing less. Which is a good thing. I'm also really anticipating this, I'm ready to get help. Eeekkkkk!

At least I get a pay check on the 29th and hopefully some money for my Birthday coming up!

Weird Mood

I'm in such a weird mood. It's driving my crazy.

I feel like the world is on total fast forward and I am stuck watching it fly past me, I try to catch up but I'm getting held back.

Maybe this is because I have so much to do? Maybe it's because I have way to many stressers going on right now? Or maybe I'm just that crazy?

I don't know. I don't like feeling like this. I feel like everyone has something better do to than to talk to me, and when they talk to me I feel like I'm coming off as a total ass! I feel like I'm being mean. I'm not a mean person? Am I? Hopefully I can find someone to talk to because I am in desperate need for some reassurance.

3:00am

Everyday like clock work...

Nightmares, sweats, wake up at 3am, heart racing feeling like it's going to beat out of my chest. I am so tired of this.

Why, what have I done to have this happen :(

Where is my magic wand?

I think I totally jinx myself yesterday.

Really.

After writing that I got triggered by something my Dad said so innocently, his name (my abuser). Ugg. I e-mailed my therapist freaking out and she actually got back to me this morning basically saying I can do this, and that I am stronger than the abuser and that it is just a name. (That part I really don't agree with, his name is so much more. It shouldn't be but it is it's SO FREAKING much more!!) Well I have to wait till Friday to talk to my therapist, I'm sure I'll be okay. But I'm struggling. I had major binge day today since I don't/can't purge anymore it's become physically impossible. Thank you body. Really thank you.

I swear I'm done with this.

I want my magical wand. NOW. So I can say bib itty bobity boob (sorry if that made zero sense but it does in my mind).

I could really use my birthday wish early. I want ED gone, along with PTSD and all the ick that comes along with them.

Glimmer of Hope!

This week was just what I needed, yes I was stressed out but I was able to get that glimmer of hope that is so what I needed!

Hopefully it will get me through the next week, where I will be pretty stressed:

•  with the anticipations of going the psychiatrist
•  taking my first criminology test
•  finding out if I will be an RA
• applying to the honors program
•  trying to keep my semi-remaining sanity.

 Love my life I really do. But sometimes it just really needs to calm the heck down. Oh, I forgot

•  I have to write my talk about growth for my retreat. 

Joy, joy, joy.  I can do this though!

Eating wise I have actually made some pretty good progress, well at least in my mind...
I have been making myself go to the cafeteria for at least one meal, which is better than zero. Still not as good as 3 which my body needs but still. And my purging has been better as well, only about 1 every other day so I get a gold star for that in my mind too.

Progress. Progress. Progress.

Going to take steps each day to make life differently...for the BETTER!

Valentines Day Surprises!

Well today was filled with them!

First: I was feeling really crampy and weird for a while. So who shows up my period. I haven't had one since freshman year of high school, while now it's freshman year of college. Long time! A mix of my poor eating and stress. So I guess it's good I got one, but I'm confused of why I got it I have been treating my body like CRAP. And stress is literally making my hair fall out so I'm rather confused.

Second: Mail comes twice a day so I just went to check it and I got a wonderful gift...the reminder for my psych appointments :( Eek I'm freaking out! I shouldn't be worried but I am it's in a little less than two weeks away now so time will must likely fly by. I just want my therapist! I think I need meds to calm down before I get meds does that even make sense!! Hahaha.

Third: Which is the good part I got a bunch of stuff in the mail from my family and friend :) My parents and I have always exchanged gifts and cards so it's so cool that they continued although I'm away at school

Day with My Dad!!!

Like the title says I got to spend the day yesterday, Saturday with my dear Dad.

We started the day as soon as he got here: with Breakfast...I really didn't want to eat at the school so we went out. I actually surprised myself my ordering something not "safe" instead of the usual egg whites, toast, and fruit. But what I did have was amazing I really wished I took a picture :) It was Nutella Crepe. stuffed with strawberries and bananas, and then 2 eggs but they didn't taste so hot, and 2 strips of bacon. Very proud of myself!

Later we went shopping! I needed some boring stuff, like toothpaste, aspirin... My Dad wanted me to get snacky stuff... So I put on the brave face yet again and picked out some things that looked yummy.
We also picked up a new pair of yoga pants, a back support thing, and some books at the bargain bookstore.

Love when my Dad spoiles me!!

After our shopping adventure we decided to chill in my room, it's nice to hangout with my Dad, I really missed him!!!

Once we started to get hungry, pizza was on our agenda!!! Eeekk. I had pizza the night before with my friends. So I used that brave face and managed to eat. We went to a pretty cute little local place that I have been to before, but my dad didn't so he was impressed! It is really good and they have the BEST crust!
Lots of leftovers. But I'm trying to manage eating them so I don't go any binges.

Till next time!
~Megan

Recovering from Creeper A-hole Syndrome

Yes this is what my therapist says I have :)

She doesn't refer to my abuser as his name instead she calls him creeper, which always makes me smile! We decided that we will publish it in the DSM! Just thought I would tell you guys this because it made me happy.

Hope you all have a good Friday!!!

Ohh Mr.Scale begged for me to keep him, so I'm making a rule that I'm only allowing myself on him (that sounds really dirty ;)) once a week.

Mr.Scale

Jeez!! I have been posting up a storm but I guess that is a good thing right?

I had a pretty good night all in all; choir went well, dinner was nasty but I pushed myself through it and even had some popcorn :), I went to this club on my campus that is trying to end violence and I came up with this awesome video idea!! And everyone was really excitited for it too! Made me feel needed! And let me tell you the president of the club, Mike is so HOT!!! I had to say that I'm sorry lol! He is the nicest guy ever, and recently single... Hopefully I mutter up some courge to talk to him some more, maybe I'll end up with my first "real" boyfriend (long story about the "").

Sorry that was totally off topic.

So tomorrow I have therapy, and I'm a nervous wreak. I'm debating on bringing Mr.Scale but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give him up. (I love how I refer to my f#king scale as a person, truly shows how messed up this brain of mine is). Mr.Scale would be sad to be in my therapist's office I know. I told her about my idea and she agreed it would be good. But maybe I'll do it she said I could take him back any time. But I'm not sure. Humm.

See he's so friendly...
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Ohh yeah my friend wants to have pizza, and my dad is coming on Saturday and guess what he wants for dinner...Can you say CHALLANGE weekend?

Ohh and I'm going to start putting in more pictures because I think it's pretty cool lol!!

Wish me luck, and I'm sorry this is so long...

Food Hates Me, and I'm FAT!

Sometimes I think food hates me. Now I'm sure this sounds really illogical and I'm sure it is for any semi-sane person, unlike me!

And I'm sure this is just the eating disorder talking, although technically it really doesn't have anything to do with food itself. 

Well if that doesn't make sense I'm sorry, I feel very out of it...  And just needed to get that out there.

I think I'm really planing on asking to do some kind of treatment that's more intensive that this outpatient I'm in now. My Dad called me fat and everything is so out of portion. Or is it! No one should call someone fat, especially my father right? What does someone do when they get called fat, by someone they love or are "suppose" to love?

I'm crazy sorry.

Guilty

So I think I have decided that I'm not going to continue seeing my trauma therapist. My general therapist assured me that she was equipped to handle whatever I throw her way so I should trust her.

Plus there is physically no way that I can get a ride every week. I kind of feel bad about quitting but in a sense I'm not right? I'll still have my therapist, the one at home, and will be getting a psychiatrist soon. So I'm just not going to let myself feel guilty about this!!! Plus I'm sure she would take me back if I needed her. I got this :)

Well at least I got something.

This week has been bad continuing from last week's hell. I'm sleeping a little bit better! But my eating is bad. I don't know if it's any worse than last week...I have been binging up a storm (well I don't even think it's a real binge...) but I'm making my tummy hurt. And then have been purging it, this is not good I know this.
It's kind of funny I keep having this dream where I purge my teeth start falling out, this should be a sign but I don't know.

Humm! Humm! Humm!

I'm going to make these next few days better :) My dad is coming to visit on Saturday!!!

A Cherry on top!!

Not really, more like another nightmare on top!
Last night was hell again :( :
This time I woke up at 2ish and fell back around 4 so I did finally get some sleep.

I had a appointment with my counselor this morning so I was pretty happy I could unload all this week on someone!!! Lorie is so awesome I have to say :) We decided that it might me a good idea that we try out seeing a Psychiatrist! Eek... But I made the appointment which took FOREVER but I got one for Feb 27th so I have a while but that's as soon as they can get me in. Apparently the appointment is broken into two parts, I get a medical part and then a psych part so that shall be FUN! Not really but I'll be sarcastic!! And a reason why I am that much more in love with my therapist, Lorie offered to drive me and sit with me :) My nerves are so much more relaxed knowing this.

Thank GOD for this weekend!!

Sleep is on top of my agenda and laundry, whoop whoop!!

Till next time...
Megan

Nightmare of a Week

Why can't people follow there own advise?

I mean I guess if we knew the answer to that we would be really rich! And a lot healthier :) Haha.

This week has been pretty crappy all in all starting with my previous post about the nightmare night (no pun intended!!). Any way it didn't get any better. My week was filled with more binges and purges than I have done before. I have felt extremely triggered my a lot. And my restricting is almost equal to the b/ps. Doesn't make a lot of sense but if I'm not doing one thing I'm doing the other. One day this, one day that. How I wish I could just reverse all this...shit! Where is the light switch in this never ending tunnel? Please help me find it!

I don't know...

On a teeny tiny, itsy bitty good note I'm planning a trip to visit my friend!
So that's good :)

And I bought a really pretty dress

Childhood Fears

When I was little I was always terrified of the night, it has to do with my traumatic pass... I know this is an Eating Disorder blog. But, I'm scared and it's the middle of the night I should do something less thinking but my fear is really in high. I hate that I'm so afraid right now. This school is safe to one will hurt me. But my mind is protected by the school. My flashbacks are bad these days, and so are my nightmares...I hate this!!! My brain is in chaos.  Breathe Megan, just breathe. This keeps happenening. I need some kind of help. Help me! I'm tempted to call my counselor (hotline). I'm going to I think. :(

Sorry for my ramble.

Megan

My Roller Coaster of a Week

Long time no post...Sorry :(

My Week In Review:
A roller coaster ride that I would like to get off please....
No seriously, I have been totally up and down this week, the beginning was eh, middle was really good, and the end was just plain awful. I'm telling myself that things will get better but I'm not believing myself anymore. I truly need some kind of motivation, anything! I have thought about going on a mini shopping spree and have that me my motivation if I do well then I get to have something. I don't know it's just an idea...I don't really have all that much money but what the hey.

In other news therapy has been whipping my butt the past few days. I almost am tempted to want to take a break, on the other hand I can see my therapists rolling their eyes at me for having this thought...

Enough day-dreaming that is not going to happen, period.

Probably should get to work on homework, but I probably wouldn't hahahaha. I have a criminology paper that is 4-6 pages and haven't even looked at it. FML. :(

One step back, one step forward

Better than two steps back right?

Well this morning started with a surprise I was planning on going to get breakfast, and then bringing it back up to my dorm room so I can take my time and really enjoy it. But, some of my friends where standing waiting for another friend to go to breakfast so they asked if I would like to join them. And I don't know what took over me but, I said yes. So it wasn't to bad I had (triggering) 1 piece of french toast, 2 pieces of bacon, and some cheesy potato things...with a mistake of chocolate milk mixed with skim milk. I didn't eat half what was on my plate I felt guilty...Then I came back to my room and yeah major behaviors kicked in :( About 2 hours later I was just in an utter about of guilt feelings!!!

Why do I DO THIS!!!

Ugghh.

Well I decided to give eating another go and ordered takeout for myself hoping I would enjoy it. And I DID!!! It's been 2 hours I had one minor feeling of purging but didn't!!!

So proud of me :)

This week should be pretty hectic! Which is a very good thing I have been spending way to much time in my room.
Let's see: Monday: 7:30am work :( then 3 classes all back to back!! And I already have a plan for my lunch tomorrow!!
Tuesday: I have class, then mentoring (I mentor a girl with anorexia, the counselor running the program does know I struggle, I will make a video about this...)lunch with my friend Kaitlin, then I go see my trauma therapist!!!

Then I have a lot of time and will write about the rest of my week for you guys!!!

Have a good week if for some reason I don't get a chance to right but I doubt that!

Megan

Low and Icky (Yes, Icky).

Like my last post, I'm still in a pretty low and icky place.

I'm trying to make myself eat but the more and more I do the more I feel the need to purge or self-harm...I hate the cycle I have put myself in to. My therapist at school has more confidence in me then I do. She's cheering me on but I'm not going on... I know therapists can't make you do anything. They are there for you do vent but I just need someone to push me in the right direction and to lock out the back door so I can't turn around and go back to where I was.

I like that, it makes sense. Know if I could only actually believe in myself and do those things.

I'm struggling with motivation to recover and it hurts!!!
But that's what I want isn't?
I hate eating disorders!

Just that Blah Feeling

Feeling the need to write...

I don't know, the past few days I have felt super strong but for some reason I'm not feeling that way now. I'm not sure what triggered me or what? But my feelings are just blahh and all over the place :(  I have had flashbacks and I can't even remember the last time that happened it's super hard on me it makes me stress!!! And stress is bringing me behaviors, and that brings me relief...temporarily I know. Humm... I want my therapist. I feel weird saying that but I need her. Only 3 more days I can do it! Friday come soon!!!

I want recovery more than anything but can't seem to have the motivation

Update & New Room :)

Anticipations

Now I know I shouldn't think bad things will happen but I still anticipate bad things to happen. I guess that's just another of my negative qualities.

Anyway I'm worried about going back to school...I'm excitied too don't get me wrong :) But the nerves are getting to be, I will make a list because it helps me:

1. Worried about leaving my home therapist (I don't really trust my new ones)
2. Not having my mom when I have a nightmare
3. Paying for everything myself
4. School work
5. Eating
6. Behaviors resulting from eating
7. My new therapist who thinks the only way to get better is a hospitilaztion...
8. My boss
9. My job (in general)

I better stop now I'm getting freaked out...

Turning in the Right Direction :)

I love when I worry about something and then it ends turning about the best way it could.

Today's session it was the best thing EVER.

I don't say that about therapy often...I really don't!!!

Well, I'm sure your thinking what could be so great about therapy? It's the moments when you realize that there is a little light at the end of a very very dark tunnel. Seriously, and I'm not just being a cute little quoter I'm serious! :) I have realized that I have been hurting myself for such a long time. (I should add in here that we were talking about why I have eating and self harm behaviors...) That I'm afraid to change. To be able to start seeing the undamaged me. Start to be able to see the girl within me past the countless years of abuse and torture I endured, past the scars of my cutting, past the missed meals, past the purged meals, past the bulling, past the stalking, past the rape, past the molesting, past the sexual harassment, past all the moments that have been so ingrained in me. And all though those things are in the past I still have/ and will have urges to go into my behaviors, still the memories, still the flashbacks, and nightmares, the fears, and the depression... But I will be able to start working past them so they become actual memories not something that is taken up the valuable space called my PRESENT life.

Now this is not going to be easy nor is it a "fix".

I will still engage in my behaviors I will still have flashbacks and nightmares. But it will get easier in time!!!

I am taking the challenge...
RECOVERY IS MINE :)

Worries of the Day

Today... Is the day I have been dreading for the past week.

A. I'm going back to school in 4 days, which will be a good thing...less stress, hopefully. I am also scared though because I'm worried that my eating disorder behaviors will act up since I will be essentially "on my own".

B. I have my therapist today.

1. It can go great or
2. She could use her threat to make me quit school and go residential...
3. Or it will be a miracle and she will cancel the appointment that will be at 2:00pm!!!

Wish me luck all :)

Update after 3:00 will be in order to matter what happens...

Fears of Therapy Appointment

Ugg...

Tomorrow I have my lovely therapist. It will be the last time till I come back for summer break. I am seeing someone at school, so it's not like I will be not getting any help. But I'm freaking out for tomorrow...because my therapist was talking about putting me in residential, and that has been making me freak out. I mean yes it would be good if I went but my anorexia doesn't want it. So that shall be the topic of tomorrow's appointment. I'm kinda worried if she decides that I shouldn't go to school and just start looking for somewhere I can go.

We'll see what tomorrow brings!!!

Christmas Party? Yes it's Jan 10th...

Well here we go first blog!!!

I'm actually really looking forward to doing this...Ahh today! What can I say? It was really off. I had a family party/get-together Christmas/New Years party. I thought the holidays where over :( I really dislike the holidays I feel like it's all food all the time. I wish the holidays weren't all focused on food. It's not about the food I do realize that but it's a major part of it.

It happens to be especially hard now.

I'm really fighting with this disorder that I have come to be able to name as Anorexia. It scares me to say but it's what I have and I need to get help for it. It's going to be a every day battle but I'm going to take this one day at a time. I'm ready to beat Ana's butt.