When I was little I was always terrified of the night, it has to do with my traumatic pass... I know this is an Eating Disorder blog. But, I'm scared and it's the middle of the night I should do something less thinking but my fear is really in high. I hate that I'm so afraid right now. This school is safe to one will hurt me. But my mind is protected by the school. My flashbacks are bad these days, and so are my nightmares...I hate this!!! My brain is in chaos. Breathe Megan, just breathe. This keeps happenening. I need some kind of help. Help me! I'm tempted to call my counselor (hotline). I'm going to I think. :(
Sorry for my ramble.
Megan
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
My Roller Coaster of a Week
Long time no post...Sorry :(
My Week In Review:
A roller coaster ride that I would like to get off please....
No seriously, I have been totally up and down this week, the beginning was eh, middle was really good, and the end was just plain awful. I'm telling myself that things will get better but I'm not believing myself anymore. I truly need some kind of motivation, anything! I have thought about going on a mini shopping spree and have that me my motivation if I do well then I get to have something. I don't know it's just an idea...I don't really have all that much money but what the hey.
In other news therapy has been whipping my butt the past few days. I almost am tempted to want to take a break, on the other hand I can see my therapists rolling their eyes at me for having this thought...
Enough day-dreaming that is not going to happen, period.
Probably should get to work on homework, but I probably wouldn't hahahaha. I have a criminology paper that is 4-6 pages and haven't even looked at it. FML. :(
My Week In Review:
A roller coaster ride that I would like to get off please....
No seriously, I have been totally up and down this week, the beginning was eh, middle was really good, and the end was just plain awful. I'm telling myself that things will get better but I'm not believing myself anymore. I truly need some kind of motivation, anything! I have thought about going on a mini shopping spree and have that me my motivation if I do well then I get to have something. I don't know it's just an idea...I don't really have all that much money but what the hey.
In other news therapy has been whipping my butt the past few days. I almost am tempted to want to take a break, on the other hand I can see my therapists rolling their eyes at me for having this thought...
Enough day-dreaming that is not going to happen, period.
Probably should get to work on homework, but I probably wouldn't hahahaha. I have a criminology paper that is 4-6 pages and haven't even looked at it. FML. :(
Sunday, January 22, 2012
One step back, one step forward
Better than two steps back right?
Well this morning started with a surprise I was planning on going to get breakfast, and then bringing it back up to my dorm room so I can take my time and really enjoy it. But, some of my friends where standing waiting for another friend to go to breakfast so they asked if I would like to join them. And I don't know what took over me but, I said yes. So it wasn't to bad I had (triggering) 1 piece of french toast, 2 pieces of bacon, and some cheesy potato things...with a mistake of chocolate milk mixed with skim milk. I didn't eat half what was on my plate I felt guilty...Then I came back to my room and yeah major behaviors kicked in :( About 2 hours later I was just in an utter about of guilt feelings!!!
Why do I DO THIS!!!
Ugghh.
Well I decided to give eating another go and ordered takeout for myself hoping I would enjoy it. And I DID!!! It's been 2 hours I had one minor feeling of purging but didn't!!!
So proud of me :)
This week should be pretty hectic! Which is a very good thing I have been spending way to much time in my room.
Let's see: Monday: 7:30am work :( then 3 classes all back to back!! And I already have a plan for my lunch tomorrow!!
Tuesday: I have class, then mentoring (I mentor a girl with anorexia, the counselor running the program does know I struggle, I will make a video about this...)lunch with my friend Kaitlin, then I go see my trauma therapist!!!
Then I have a lot of time and will write about the rest of my week for you guys!!!
Have a good week if for some reason I don't get a chance to right but I doubt that!
Megan
Well this morning started with a surprise I was planning on going to get breakfast, and then bringing it back up to my dorm room so I can take my time and really enjoy it. But, some of my friends where standing waiting for another friend to go to breakfast so they asked if I would like to join them. And I don't know what took over me but, I said yes. So it wasn't to bad I had (triggering) 1 piece of french toast, 2 pieces of bacon, and some cheesy potato things...with a mistake of chocolate milk mixed with skim milk. I didn't eat half what was on my plate I felt guilty...Then I came back to my room and yeah major behaviors kicked in :( About 2 hours later I was just in an utter about of guilt feelings!!!
Why do I DO THIS!!!
Ugghh.
Well I decided to give eating another go and ordered takeout for myself hoping I would enjoy it. And I DID!!! It's been 2 hours I had one minor feeling of purging but didn't!!!
So proud of me :)
This week should be pretty hectic! Which is a very good thing I have been spending way to much time in my room.
Let's see: Monday: 7:30am work :( then 3 classes all back to back!! And I already have a plan for my lunch tomorrow!!
Tuesday: I have class, then mentoring (I mentor a girl with anorexia, the counselor running the program does know I struggle, I will make a video about this...)lunch with my friend Kaitlin, then I go see my trauma therapist!!!
Then I have a lot of time and will write about the rest of my week for you guys!!!
Have a good week if for some reason I don't get a chance to right but I doubt that!
Megan
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Low and Icky (Yes, Icky).
Like my last post, I'm still in a pretty low and icky place.
I'm trying to make myself eat but the more and more I do the more I feel the need to purge or self-harm...I hate the cycle I have put myself in to. My therapist at school has more confidence in me then I do. She's cheering me on but I'm not going on... I know therapists can't make you do anything. They are there for you do vent but I just need someone to push me in the right direction and to lock out the back door so I can't turn around and go back to where I was.
I like that, it makes sense. Know if I could only actually believe in myself and do those things.
I'm struggling with motivation to recover and it hurts!!!
But that's what I want isn't?
I hate eating disorders!
I'm trying to make myself eat but the more and more I do the more I feel the need to purge or self-harm...I hate the cycle I have put myself in to. My therapist at school has more confidence in me then I do. She's cheering me on but I'm not going on... I know therapists can't make you do anything. They are there for you do vent but I just need someone to push me in the right direction and to lock out the back door so I can't turn around and go back to where I was.
I like that, it makes sense. Know if I could only actually believe in myself and do those things.
I'm struggling with motivation to recover and it hurts!!!
But that's what I want isn't?
I hate eating disorders!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Just that Blah Feeling
Feeling the need to write...
I don't know, the past few days I have felt super strong but for some reason I'm not feeling that way now. I'm not sure what triggered me or what? But my feelings are just blahh and all over the place :( I have had flashbacks and I can't even remember the last time that happened it's super hard on me it makes me stress!!! And stress is bringing me behaviors, and that brings me relief...temporarily I know. Humm... I want my therapist. I feel weird saying that but I need her. Only 3 more days I can do it! Friday come soon!!!
I want recovery more than anything but can't seem to have the motivation
I don't know, the past few days I have felt super strong but for some reason I'm not feeling that way now. I'm not sure what triggered me or what? But my feelings are just blahh and all over the place :( I have had flashbacks and I can't even remember the last time that happened it's super hard on me it makes me stress!!! And stress is bringing me behaviors, and that brings me relief...temporarily I know. Humm... I want my therapist. I feel weird saying that but I need her. Only 3 more days I can do it! Friday come soon!!!
I want recovery more than anything but can't seem to have the motivation
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Anticipations
Now I know I shouldn't think bad things will happen but I still anticipate bad things to happen. I guess that's just another of my negative qualities.
Anyway I'm worried about going back to school...I'm excitied too don't get me wrong :) But the nerves are getting to be, I will make a list because it helps me:
Anyway I'm worried about going back to school...I'm excitied too don't get me wrong :) But the nerves are getting to be, I will make a list because it helps me:
- Worried about leaving my home therapist (I don't really trust my new ones)
- Not having my mom when I have a nightmare
- Paying for everything myself
- School work
- Eating
- Behaviors resulting from eating
- My new therapist who thinks the only way to get better is a hospitilaztion...
- My boss
- My job (in general)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Turning in the Right Direction :)
I love when I worry about something and then it ends turning about the best way it could.
Today's session it was the best thing EVER.
I don't say that about therapy often...I really don't!!!
Well, I'm sure your thinking what could be so great about therapy? It's the moments when you realize that there is a little light at the end of a very very dark tunnel. Seriously, and I'm not just being a cute little quoter I'm serious! :) I have realized that I have been hurting myself for such a long time. (I should add in here that we were talking about why I have eating and self harm behaviors...) That I'm afraid to change. To be able to start seeing the undamaged me. Start to be able to see the girl within me past the countless years of abuse and torture I endured, past the scars of my cutting, past the missed meals, past the purged meals, past the bulling, past the stalking, past the rape, past the molesting, past the sexual harassment, past all the moments that have been so ingrained in me. And all though those things are in the past I still have/ and will have urges to go into my behaviors, still the memories, still the flashbacks, and nightmares, the fears, and the depression... But I will be able to start working past them so they become actual memories not something that is taken up the valuable space called my PRESENT life.
Now this is not going to be easy nor is it a "fix".
I will still engage in my behaviors I will still have flashbacks and nightmares. But it will get easier in time!!!
I am taking the challenge...
RECOVERY IS MINE :)
Today's session it was the best thing EVER.
I don't say that about therapy often...I really don't!!!
Well, I'm sure your thinking what could be so great about therapy? It's the moments when you realize that there is a little light at the end of a very very dark tunnel. Seriously, and I'm not just being a cute little quoter I'm serious! :) I have realized that I have been hurting myself for such a long time. (I should add in here that we were talking about why I have eating and self harm behaviors...) That I'm afraid to change. To be able to start seeing the undamaged me. Start to be able to see the girl within me past the countless years of abuse and torture I endured, past the scars of my cutting, past the missed meals, past the purged meals, past the bulling, past the stalking, past the rape, past the molesting, past the sexual harassment, past all the moments that have been so ingrained in me. And all though those things are in the past I still have/ and will have urges to go into my behaviors, still the memories, still the flashbacks, and nightmares, the fears, and the depression... But I will be able to start working past them so they become actual memories not something that is taken up the valuable space called my PRESENT life.
Now this is not going to be easy nor is it a "fix".
I will still engage in my behaviors I will still have flashbacks and nightmares. But it will get easier in time!!!
I am taking the challenge...
RECOVERY IS MINE :)
Worries of the Day
Today... Is the day I have been dreading for the past week.
A. I'm going back to school in 4 days, which will be a good thing...less stress, hopefully. I am also scared though because I'm worried that my eating disorder behaviors will act up since I will be essentially "on my own".
B. I have my therapist today.
Update after 3:00 will be in order to matter what happens...
A. I'm going back to school in 4 days, which will be a good thing...less stress, hopefully. I am also scared though because I'm worried that my eating disorder behaviors will act up since I will be essentially "on my own".
B. I have my therapist today.
- It can go great or
- She could use her threat to make me quit school and go residential...
- Or it will be a miracle and she will cancel the appointment that will be at 2:00pm!!!
Update after 3:00 will be in order to matter what happens...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Fears of Therapy Appointment
Ugg...
Tomorrow I have my lovely therapist. It will be the last time till I come back for summer break. I am seeing someone at school, so it's not like I will be not getting any help. But I'm freaking out for tomorrow...because my therapist was talking about putting me in residential, and that has been making me freak out. I mean yes it would be good if I went but my anorexia doesn't want it. So that shall be the topic of tomorrow's appointment. I'm kinda worried if she decides that I shouldn't go to school and just start looking for somewhere I can go.
We'll see what tomorrow brings!!!
Tomorrow I have my lovely therapist. It will be the last time till I come back for summer break. I am seeing someone at school, so it's not like I will be not getting any help. But I'm freaking out for tomorrow...because my therapist was talking about putting me in residential, and that has been making me freak out. I mean yes it would be good if I went but my anorexia doesn't want it. So that shall be the topic of tomorrow's appointment. I'm kinda worried if she decides that I shouldn't go to school and just start looking for somewhere I can go.
We'll see what tomorrow brings!!!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Christmas Party? Yes it's Jan 10th...
Well here we go first blog!!!
I'm actually really looking forward to doing this...Ahh today! What can I say? It was really off. I had a family party/get-together Christmas/New Years party. I thought the holidays where over :( I really dislike the holidays I feel like it's all food all the time. I wish the holidays weren't all focused on food. It's not about the food I do realize that but it's a major part of it.
It happens to be especially hard now.
I'm really fighting with this disorder that I have come to be able to name as Anorexia. It scares me to say but it's what I have and I need to get help for it. It's going to be a every day battle but I'm going to take this one day at a time. I'm ready to beat Ana's butt.
I'm actually really looking forward to doing this...Ahh today! What can I say? It was really off. I had a family party/get-together Christmas/New Years party. I thought the holidays where over :( I really dislike the holidays I feel like it's all food all the time. I wish the holidays weren't all focused on food. It's not about the food I do realize that but it's a major part of it.
It happens to be especially hard now.
I'm really fighting with this disorder that I have come to be able to name as Anorexia. It scares me to say but it's what I have and I need to get help for it. It's going to be a every day battle but I'm going to take this one day at a time. I'm ready to beat Ana's butt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)