Feelings

I feel fat.

No I don't let's get REAL.

What do I really feel? This is often very hard for me to grasp but it's defiantly a big part of my life right now.

Lately I have been using the I feel fat, I feel ugly excuse...and I know that's not right. What am I feeling right now, hahaha. I am feeling way to much. I am feeling physical pain. I am feeling fear, sadness, and grief. Also anger.

It is so hard for me to actually feel the feelings. I have been using the excuse of being fat and ugly. But there is so much more. I wish I could feel. It's something that I long for. But truthfully I think feeling fat is so much easier for me to deal with. I am ready to challenge myself.

Little Me

(I am the one on the left :))

Dear Little Me,

Be strong :) You are about 7 now and going through hell and back. I am so sorry no one will listen to you. But trust me YOU will get through this! Look 19 year old you is writing this to you. Do not let others tell you, you are ugly. You are beautiful inside and out. Yes I said out. And you will bloom :) And change. Now that you are going to be one heck of a great girl!

Love always,
19 year-old me!

Crimes

I honestly have been lucky enough to not have a doctor that has mistreated me or even who I have disliked. I am so grateful for all my doctors :) And am truly sorry for all the people that have not had good experiences like mine.

Role Models

This truly makes me smile :)

I lucky enough to have a few role models.

My first would be my friend Nabid. Nabid and I met not to long ago actually, but if you saw us hanging out you would honestly think we have been friends forever. She has been there for me though my life's ups and downs. And she NEVER says she's to busy to help me :) I have never had someone do that for me it's pretty impressive if I do say so myself. I am truly thankful and ever grateful for her coming in to my life!

Another one of my role models is my therapist...I know it's probably breaking boundaries but I truly think she has made a positive impact on my life. Rita has been there for me. Even thought it's her job you can honestly tell that she cares. She would be there for no matter what, and I am ever grateful :)
She has inspired me to become a therapist and I will never forget her!!!

Freestyle aka Update on Me...

So as you can tell I'm late on days again...

The 12th's topic was freestyle, so I figured it would be a good time to explain what's been happening in the life of Megan.

I went to my therapist on Monday, and she is very worried about me :( I know she should be but I don't deserve like I should be taken care of. I guess it's just all kind of bounded me together. I have been feeling every emotion I have ever felt and 50 more, from angry to happy to sad to anxious. It's really frustrating. I also have been feeling completely indeed of my addictions. My cutting has gotten pretty bad back in to my old habits and my eating disordered behaviors have been on the rise.

My therapist wants me to go to the hospital, I really don't want to go because I "think" I can handle it. I know deep down I need more help, but I feel like such a failure for EVERYTHING.

Hopefully things will start looking up for me, I need things to start looking up...really really really bad.

Dear...

Dear everyone in my life,
I want you to understand that my life in NO way has been easy. And when one thing is dealt with something new starts. And the fact that I developed an eating disorder was in no way a choice...I can completely say that there is no way any one can want an eating disorder. It has made my life turn upside down. I have lost relationships and trust. I want those back more than everything but I also want my eating disorder too. It is such a confusing journey that I am on. But I know for a fact that this will make me a better person in the long run. It, my eating disorder is another way of showing me and everyone else in my life how strong I truly am :)

10 Words

Sorry again for not being "up to date". I have been really busy, I and am officially DONE with my first year of university :) WOW...

5 Words to Describe my Eating Disorder

Roller Coaster-Although roller coasters are fun this is like the one I got stuck on...not a good experience. To be honest I feel very stuck at this point in my journey. I know how ever it will be able to stop at some point.

Fear-I am always in fear! Why do I do that? I shouldn't have to be afraid all the time of myself. Right? I think so...

Loneliness-Not that I do not have support, I am lonely. And I shouldn't be...This is what my crazy eating disorder does to me.

Pointless-As much as I "need" this. At certain points it is truly pointless. I can solve my problems in other ways, and I should be looking toward that way!

Tight-It holds me. No matter how much I try to get out of my eating disordered mind. It holds on to me with this ridiculously tight grip. Which really scares me.

5 Words to Describe my RECOVERY :)

Hopeful-As depressed and as much desperation my eating disorder causes me, I do have hope. And hope can never be taken away from me. I can do this! I will find my way out of this :) I am hopeful.

Brave-I have had many, and I mean many downfalls in my life. But I have been brave. So bravery, especially in my recovery means so so much. To be brave means to be able to push beyond what I think I can do because I KNOW I can do more.

Resilient-Like the bravery, I have been very resilient. Every time something or someone knocks me down.I get back on my two feet very quickly. It is important for me to be resilient because it's always going to be there inside of me:)

Tough-This kind of goes along with being brave but I make tough as that I don't let things get in my way from recovery. No one but me has the power to stop my ED.

Faith-Faith, has always been important but...it's also very confusing. My faith has defiantly been way up and then way down over the past couple of years. But that's okay because it's still strong and that's what gets me through some of my darkest days

Life Update

Well I know I have been blogging more...

But not really about me personally.

Things have defiantly been an the downside of things. Like I posted on April 7th I was sexually assaulted. I have been struggling a lot. This whole thing has brought up memories of past stuff, that I would have liked to kept in the past, but no. Another part of me is still in shock. My emotions wouldn't let go. I feel my eyes constantly welling up with tears but then nothing happens. It's not fair.

My behaviors have been through the roof awful.
Between having urges to cut. To really bad restricting. And the fact that I gag almost every time I try and actually want to eat. It's very difficult.

I have also been in a lot of pain down there. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor at my school so hopefully they will be able to find me some relief.

I really need something to be better.

I am Different!

I think difference means; letting yourself actually be yourself. Sure that might sound like a bunch of bs. But it's so true.

I can't even began to imagine a world of same people. How boring would that be. We all look, talk, walk, think the same way...I don't know about you but when I think about that I think about robots. And frankly I am not a robot. We are different for a reason.

I know it's hard to show are differences because we often think of them as "bad" things. We may have those but they make us unique.

Every since I was really little, people would ask me to describe myself and one thing I would always say is that I am unique. I remember being praised whenever I said it. At the time I just thought I was saying something other people didn't know about. But know I truly agree with my child self.

I am unique, I am different.

And though sometimes I don't like my differences I need to embrace them  because without them I would not be me!

I am different and unique and PROUD :)

Puppies

I think this might be a little silly. But for me puppies keep me going. They need you and remind me that I am needed. For me sometimes I forget that. And I'm sure it's true for a lot of people too...

Puppies always love you :) They don't judge. They follow you like you are the most important person no matter what! They don't talk back. They understand when your upset, they listen! And they are always in the mood to cuddle.

I know that is defiantly not even close to a thousand words but that's okay :)

Forgotten Brothers

I could not imagine the struggles of men ED.
To be quite honest I was a little confused by this writing challenge at 1st because it is truly a challenge, to think about things through another person's perspective especially another gender's perspective. 
My guess is that it would be difficult. Finding support from friends would probably be extremely difficult, because men suffering from anorexia is not the "in" thing. I'm guessing it would also be very difficult to get the support of your parents. I mean that is a struggle most, at least I even struggled with but still.

Letter to my T

Dear Rita (My therapist),
I need you to be honest with me. I also want you to push me, but also to take it easy on me when you know I am struggling. But mostly I just need a cheerleader someone to let me know I can get through my hardest days and darkest days. Thank you for always helping me :)

Love,
Megan

Catching Up.

So I'm kind of majorly slacking, I will try to keep more up with this. Things have just been stressful and very busy the last few days
.
Hum, This one is a little difficult :/ I think if I had to create a mascot it would be a journal. I'm sure this is strange me giving characteristics to something that is suppose to not have any...It's always there for me on my good days and bad days. It shows me how far I came from. I think my journal is a dam pretty good mascot :)

Another difficult one really...

Humm.

1st my Eating Disorder Slogan: Get ready or not but prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride, and a crash at the bottom.
And

My Recovery Slogan: Simply live life day to day, because you never know what will happen tomorrow and why go back and change the problem?

 Oh gosh...

Even though it doesn't seem like I appreciate my body, I truly do. I love my eyes, everyone compliments them. The way they are radiantly blue, and are truly sparkly. What else, I love that I have a naturally small waist. Something that I like is my feet they are a great size 8 and I love that they proportional (just a little OCD) :). Other than that I love my nose, it's a great shape know all I need is it to be pierced and I would be happy!

Reasons to Fight ED

10. To stay healthy. No food = crappy immune system = colds = :(

9. Having going out to dinner with friends and actually enjoying myself.

8. Not having to worry about counting calories in everything...

7. Fitting in to my favorite clothes.

6. Being comfortable enough to go shopping :)

5. People don't have to worry about you as much.

4. No mean comments. 

3. You don't have to lie...

2. The ability to reach for your goals

1. The realization of seeing how far you have come, and how far you can keep going :)

Why do I Write?

So I decided after seeing that I lacked in April writing blogs that May I will write everyday.

I did not however get this inspiration by myself rather from another blog I read. There is a challenge going on to write about a different topic everyday so I think I am going to start :) Here's to the challenge and writing even when I don't feel like it :P

Before starting to read other people's blogs I felt truly alone. I never had to friends I could really feel comfortable talking to about my eating disorder. So I came to the web and started reading about. So I guess why I actually started to write was because it gives me an outlet for my thoughts and ideas.

No one is going to judge me or at least let's hope not...I can talk about anything on here. And I do enjoy the feedback.

Another reason I write is so that I can look back at the things I do write about and realize what was going on that day and why I did certain things.

One last reason is that I am passionate about writing! I love it and without it I don't know where I would be :)