Today :)

Well if anyone was curious I survived my first psychiatric appointment today! I didn't sleep at all last night I was freaking out but my fears where totally proven all wrong :)
My counselor went with me which was a HUGE relief. She was there to hold my hand literally. We got there really early so we talked for a while before we went in. To my surprise the doctors office was literally in the hospital which i was not expecting...
First I had a intake session which was basically answering about 5 million questions, and vitals. And my counselor was allowed with me. And then the doctor came out...and I was ready to go in with my counselor but was told to go by myself... But he looked friendly so I was ready to take the step.
Basically I came out of the appointment diagnosis of PTSD, mild depression, and bulimia. Which I was suprised about, I mean I shouldn't be but still... I also was put on sertraline. So tomorrow will be the first day!
Hopefully this goes okay! :)

Serendipity!!! :)

Well, although the last couple of weeks have been difficult in every meaning possible. Something good has come out of it. About a month ago, I started to really hang out with some different people who I really haven't talked to before. All of a sudden we are inseparable :) I haven't had relationships like this since I left for college. I was beganing to feel so alone. And then serendipity shows up! Happy accidents are really everywhere. You just have to let things happen when they happen even if things look ugly at first. Something is bound to be good!

In less then 72 hours...

So I'm completely and utterly freaking out about my appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday.  First speaking to a complete stranger about my deepest and darkest thoughts scares me. Secondly, I know the doctor is a guy. I don't to well with males. I don't know what gender the nurse will be I'm praying it will be a girl. If not I may freak out! Luckily my therapist will be joining me but still...And least were getting lunch afterward on positive...

$

I'm officially a broke college kid.

I got a call from the psychiatrist I'm planning on seeing and turns out they don't take my mental health insurance only my health insurance so it's considered out of network aka a lot of freaking... I'm going to go ahead and go because I need this. I think the adult me really is understanding if I do this now it will end up costing less. Which is a good thing. I'm also really anticipating this, I'm ready to get help. Eeekkkkk!

At least I get a pay check on the 29th and hopefully some money for my Birthday coming up!

Weird Mood

I'm in such a weird mood. It's driving my crazy.

I feel like the world is on total fast forward and I am stuck watching it fly past me, I try to catch up but I'm getting held back.

Maybe this is because I have so much to do? Maybe it's because I have way to many stressers going on right now? Or maybe I'm just that crazy?

I don't know. I don't like feeling like this. I feel like everyone has something better do to than to talk to me, and when they talk to me I feel like I'm coming off as a total ass! I feel like I'm being mean. I'm not a mean person? Am I? Hopefully I can find someone to talk to because I am in desperate need for some reassurance.

3:00am

Everyday like clock work...

Nightmares, sweats, wake up at 3am, heart racing feeling like it's going to beat out of my chest. I am so tired of this.

Why, what have I done to have this happen :(

Where is my magic wand?

I think I totally jinx myself yesterday.

Really.

After writing that I got triggered by something my Dad said so innocently, his name (my abuser). Ugg. I e-mailed my therapist freaking out and she actually got back to me this morning basically saying I can do this, and that I am stronger than the abuser and that it is just a name. (That part I really don't agree with, his name is so much more. It shouldn't be but it is it's SO FREAKING much more!!) Well I have to wait till Friday to talk to my therapist, I'm sure I'll be okay. But I'm struggling. I had major binge day today since I don't/can't purge anymore it's become physically impossible. Thank you body. Really thank you.

I swear I'm done with this.

I want my magical wand. NOW. So I can say bib itty bobity boob (sorry if that made zero sense but it does in my mind).

I could really use my birthday wish early. I want ED gone, along with PTSD and all the ick that comes along with them.

Glimmer of Hope!

This week was just what I needed, yes I was stressed out but I was able to get that glimmer of hope that is so what I needed!

Hopefully it will get me through the next week, where I will be pretty stressed:

•  with the anticipations of going the psychiatrist
•  taking my first criminology test
•  finding out if I will be an RA
• applying to the honors program
•  trying to keep my semi-remaining sanity.

 Love my life I really do. But sometimes it just really needs to calm the heck down. Oh, I forgot

•  I have to write my talk about growth for my retreat. 

Joy, joy, joy.  I can do this though!

Eating wise I have actually made some pretty good progress, well at least in my mind...
I have been making myself go to the cafeteria for at least one meal, which is better than zero. Still not as good as 3 which my body needs but still. And my purging has been better as well, only about 1 every other day so I get a gold star for that in my mind too.

Progress. Progress. Progress.

Going to take steps each day to make life differently...for the BETTER!

Valentines Day Surprises!

Well today was filled with them!

First: I was feeling really crampy and weird for a while. So who shows up my period. I haven't had one since freshman year of high school, while now it's freshman year of college. Long time! A mix of my poor eating and stress. So I guess it's good I got one, but I'm confused of why I got it I have been treating my body like CRAP. And stress is literally making my hair fall out so I'm rather confused.

Second: Mail comes twice a day so I just went to check it and I got a wonderful gift...the reminder for my psych appointments :( Eek I'm freaking out! I shouldn't be worried but I am it's in a little less than two weeks away now so time will must likely fly by. I just want my therapist! I think I need meds to calm down before I get meds does that even make sense!! Hahaha.

Third: Which is the good part I got a bunch of stuff in the mail from my family and friend :) My parents and I have always exchanged gifts and cards so it's so cool that they continued although I'm away at school

Day with My Dad!!!

Like the title says I got to spend the day yesterday, Saturday with my dear Dad.

We started the day as soon as he got here: with Breakfast...I really didn't want to eat at the school so we went out. I actually surprised myself my ordering something not "safe" instead of the usual egg whites, toast, and fruit. But what I did have was amazing I really wished I took a picture :) It was Nutella Crepe. stuffed with strawberries and bananas, and then 2 eggs but they didn't taste so hot, and 2 strips of bacon. Very proud of myself!

Later we went shopping! I needed some boring stuff, like toothpaste, aspirin... My Dad wanted me to get snacky stuff... So I put on the brave face yet again and picked out some things that looked yummy.
We also picked up a new pair of yoga pants, a back support thing, and some books at the bargain bookstore.

Love when my Dad spoiles me!!

After our shopping adventure we decided to chill in my room, it's nice to hangout with my Dad, I really missed him!!!

Once we started to get hungry, pizza was on our agenda!!! Eeekk. I had pizza the night before with my friends. So I used that brave face and managed to eat. We went to a pretty cute little local place that I have been to before, but my dad didn't so he was impressed! It is really good and they have the BEST crust!
Lots of leftovers. But I'm trying to manage eating them so I don't go any binges.

Till next time!
~Megan

Recovering from Creeper A-hole Syndrome

Yes this is what my therapist says I have :)

She doesn't refer to my abuser as his name instead she calls him creeper, which always makes me smile! We decided that we will publish it in the DSM! Just thought I would tell you guys this because it made me happy.

Hope you all have a good Friday!!!

Ohh Mr.Scale begged for me to keep him, so I'm making a rule that I'm only allowing myself on him (that sounds really dirty ;)) once a week.

Mr.Scale

Jeez!! I have been posting up a storm but I guess that is a good thing right?

I had a pretty good night all in all; choir went well, dinner was nasty but I pushed myself through it and even had some popcorn :), I went to this club on my campus that is trying to end violence and I came up with this awesome video idea!! And everyone was really excitited for it too! Made me feel needed! And let me tell you the president of the club, Mike is so HOT!!! I had to say that I'm sorry lol! He is the nicest guy ever, and recently single... Hopefully I mutter up some courge to talk to him some more, maybe I'll end up with my first "real" boyfriend (long story about the "").

Sorry that was totally off topic.

So tomorrow I have therapy, and I'm a nervous wreak. I'm debating on bringing Mr.Scale but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give him up. (I love how I refer to my f#king scale as a person, truly shows how messed up this brain of mine is). Mr.Scale would be sad to be in my therapist's office I know. I told her about my idea and she agreed it would be good. But maybe I'll do it she said I could take him back any time. But I'm not sure. Humm.

See he's so friendly...
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Ohh yeah my friend wants to have pizza, and my dad is coming on Saturday and guess what he wants for dinner...Can you say CHALLANGE weekend?

Ohh and I'm going to start putting in more pictures because I think it's pretty cool lol!!

Wish me luck, and I'm sorry this is so long...

Food Hates Me, and I'm FAT!

Sometimes I think food hates me. Now I'm sure this sounds really illogical and I'm sure it is for any semi-sane person, unlike me!

And I'm sure this is just the eating disorder talking, although technically it really doesn't have anything to do with food itself. 

Well if that doesn't make sense I'm sorry, I feel very out of it...  And just needed to get that out there.

I think I'm really planing on asking to do some kind of treatment that's more intensive that this outpatient I'm in now. My Dad called me fat and everything is so out of portion. Or is it! No one should call someone fat, especially my father right? What does someone do when they get called fat, by someone they love or are "suppose" to love?

I'm crazy sorry.

Guilty

So I think I have decided that I'm not going to continue seeing my trauma therapist. My general therapist assured me that she was equipped to handle whatever I throw her way so I should trust her.

Plus there is physically no way that I can get a ride every week. I kind of feel bad about quitting but in a sense I'm not right? I'll still have my therapist, the one at home, and will be getting a psychiatrist soon. So I'm just not going to let myself feel guilty about this!!! Plus I'm sure she would take me back if I needed her. I got this :)

Well at least I got something.

This week has been bad continuing from last week's hell. I'm sleeping a little bit better! But my eating is bad. I don't know if it's any worse than last week...I have been binging up a storm (well I don't even think it's a real binge...) but I'm making my tummy hurt. And then have been purging it, this is not good I know this.
It's kind of funny I keep having this dream where I purge my teeth start falling out, this should be a sign but I don't know.

Humm! Humm! Humm!

I'm going to make these next few days better :) My dad is coming to visit on Saturday!!!

A Cherry on top!!

Not really, more like another nightmare on top!
Last night was hell again :( :
This time I woke up at 2ish and fell back around 4 so I did finally get some sleep.

I had a appointment with my counselor this morning so I was pretty happy I could unload all this week on someone!!! Lorie is so awesome I have to say :) We decided that it might me a good idea that we try out seeing a Psychiatrist! Eek... But I made the appointment which took FOREVER but I got one for Feb 27th so I have a while but that's as soon as they can get me in. Apparently the appointment is broken into two parts, I get a medical part and then a psych part so that shall be FUN! Not really but I'll be sarcastic!! And a reason why I am that much more in love with my therapist, Lorie offered to drive me and sit with me :) My nerves are so much more relaxed knowing this.

Thank GOD for this weekend!!

Sleep is on top of my agenda and laundry, whoop whoop!!

Till next time...
Megan

Nightmare of a Week

Why can't people follow there own advise?

I mean I guess if we knew the answer to that we would be really rich! And a lot healthier :) Haha.

This week has been pretty crappy all in all starting with my previous post about the nightmare night (no pun intended!!). Any way it didn't get any better. My week was filled with more binges and purges than I have done before. I have felt extremely triggered my a lot. And my restricting is almost equal to the b/ps. Doesn't make a lot of sense but if I'm not doing one thing I'm doing the other. One day this, one day that. How I wish I could just reverse all this...shit! Where is the light switch in this never ending tunnel? Please help me find it!

I don't know...

On a teeny tiny, itsy bitty good note I'm planning a trip to visit my friend!
So that's good :)

And I bought a really pretty dress